Wedding Problems...

Received this message from a concerned reader:

"What am i suppose to do if i left to go home and marry the love of my life on leave. and when i get home a day before the wedding i get told by her and my best friend from childhood that is my best man, are in a relationship and she is breaking it off with me. what am i suppose to do right now??? i have no idea why she did this and what i should do."

Here's my suggestion:

Congratulations, you just saved a ton of money, and didnt even have to switch your car insurance. Consider yourself lucky to have friends like this guy. He just saved you from a miserable life. Sure, things would of been nice for a couple of weeks, but eventually the truth would surface that she is a dirty tramp. If I were you I would buy him a case of Budlight, and dont worry, his wont be broken... Schmuck...

Unwanted Resources

Craigslist is proving to be a worthless adventure. Apparently no one receiving our ads needs our service, but everyone seems to want us to use theirs. Who's giving the advice here?!?!?!? Us, or someone else? This site isn't made in china where cheap child labor results in high profit. We don't need someone else to do our leg work for us. But in the spirit of our original intentions, here is the message received:

Hi,
I found a listing called "Advice Needed."  We have a site that I think could generate more contacts/referrals for your skills or service or just be a great place to network socially/professionally. Currently over 50,000 freelancers, contractors, and small businesses use it to get more business. The site is at (Link Removed) (this may change for a better name).
If this is something you're not interested in, I sincerely apologize for the intrusion. Just thought you might want to check it out.
Regards,
Eric (Removed for Privacy)

Our Response:

Eric,
  Thank you for the kind thought. Actually what I really need is some filet mignon. Since you seem to be such a helpful person, I would really appreciate if rather than inviting me to your site, you invited me over for dinner. What time should I be there? I prefer my steak medium rare, and would appreciate a nice cold glass of Budlight (chilled to 33 degrees Fahrenheit, of course).
  If this is too much to ask, then I don't think you are truly a real friend, and I think you should retract your initial offer. Obviously, when I posted my link on CRAIGSLIST, I didn't feel that I could afford to spend money on ACTUAL ADVERTISING, and felt that FACEBOOK was above this cause. Yet again, we have been taken away from our real goal, HELPING PEOPLE WHO NEED TO BE HELPED THROUGH HELPFUL HELP. You really upset me Eric. Now go to your room and think about what you have done.

Love Always,

Gutter Team

SPAM

Just recieved this email from a person in need of our service:

Hi,
Nice writing to you, a few minutes ago I read your post on cragislist and it attracted me, right now I have some work need you if you have time,
about the detail please view (LINK REMOVED) which I post with descriptions.

And feel free to shoot me an email if you have any questions ;)

Best Regards,

Juanita Holland

Our Response:

Juanita,

I am extatically awaiting another email from you so that you can inform me of your rich uncle, who sadly has recently passed away. I know that you need someone to transfer the money to so that the bank of Kenya doesnt take it from you. Please save yourself some time and write me a check. You can make it payable to:

Jaywood Jablome

543 Gophuck Yersellph St.

Cleveland OH, 44101

Now that you have written the check, you can take it and shove it straight up your spamming, virus passing ass. We are trying to offer a service here to people who seriously need it like the Gentleman concerned about his decietful beer packaging job A.B. did. Whilist I am busy responding to this horse shit, someone in dire need of our expertise may very well be missing their oportunity. I hope you feel horrible for this. And your english is horrible.

P.S. Thanks for the email, hope this helps!

Problem With Alcohol

I got this question from this poor fellow:

"so lets say that i bought a 20 pack of beer... and i get back to my Barracks room and pop open a few and when i get about half way through the case there is just a shattered beer bottle.... What am i suppose to do?? it was Bud Light and it is my favorite. please help me i don't know what to do."

-Morgan Aitchison

My response:

Wow that is truly a horrible day right there. Ok here's what you need to do, put on some Phil Collins, light some candles and cry for a few hours. That's a joke, although Phil does solve many problems of depression, you really need to Shawshank Redemption the CEO of Annheuser-Bush. By that, I mean, write many emails daily/hand written and don't stop until you get reimbursed atleast a keg.

TOP NEWS STORIES

As the afternoon dwindles down, and our page counter begins to plummet from our peak of 27 visits today, I had time to venture over to the news website. While scrolling through the headlines right below "Kitty returns home 75 days after storm" was "Tiger's EX-Dating Again". Simply fascinating. I am glad to see the reporters of today's "Mainstream Media" are hard at work covering those vital topics. Meanwhile, in tiny letters at the bottom of the page it also said "Marine to be awarded Medal of Honor".
 Everyone seems to find out about the latest goings on of drunken bimbo actresses/actors, and today's "reality" TV stars, but where are the meat and potatoes of our news? But on the other hand, with the politically biased news organizations, who really wants to hear their half of the story anyways. There are obviously some downfalls of the world becoming the size of your computer monitor, what used to take weeks or months to become news, now takes seconds. A media such as this one would of never been thought possible 30 years ago. I guess this availability of "news" from around the world provokes a sense of competition. Since everyone receives the BIG STORY at the same time now adays, it's the little useless ones that make the difference. But don't worry, you can count on us to relay the message anytime a little kitty wanders from home, or Tiger's ex updates her relationship status on FACEBOOK...

First Question...

We have officially recieved our first question. Obviously someone out there is in serious need of some advice. Here is the full message recieved from our reader in distress:

"What do you think the world would be like if Bacon didn't exist?"

Our response:

GROW UP!

Insight from the Gutter

Ever feel like your life has landed in the gutter? We have. Ever wish you had someone to consult with, to help you through those tough times? Here we are. No problem is too big, no issue too small. Simply drop us a message and we will be glad to address your situation with compassion and care... maybe.

Simply send your questions/concerns/opinions to:
Ian or Tony

We will remove any identifiable information before addressing your concerns on the site. (Unless requested not to, or course)